January 2011
17 posts
I’ve missed you.
I’m glad we’re talking again.
Even if nothing comes from it.
You just make me smile.
So...
I had a huge post written.
But Tumblr decided to Fail Whale on me.
So, thanks to them. You won’t be bored hearing the details of my medical procedure.
In a way, I suppose you do win out on it after all.
Suffice it to say, I’m tired of being crippled.
I want to be healthy again.
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Boy...
You are a frightfully confusing individual.
I just wanted to let you know that.
Despite the fact you’ll never read this.
“When you can’t run anymore, crawl. And when you can’t crawl...”
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Now, I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact that I will never be famous for anything, short of a spectacular death.
And I have also come to realise that at the rate I am currently going, I won’t even be marginally successful in life either.
Again, something I accept, even if I don’t really like that prospect.
But in all honesty, I had hope that at least by now, I would...
How racist am I?
An interesting rhetorical question I pose to myself.
To answer this simply, I would have to revisit an actual moment that happened no more than a half hour ago here at work.
I am walking to the office to hand in some paperwork for the International packages, and I see a person I am not familar with bagging smalls at the smalls sorter.
As I look at him, I observe what appears to be a man in his...
9-Month Revival:
The following is a real conversation that took place between the hours of 9: 04AM to 3:24PM
I recieved a message on Facebook from Brandon early in the morning, before I had to wake up for physical therapy. I was not aware of it until I got to Concentra and happened to look at my Email application on my phone. There I saw his name. And my heart immediately sunk.
Brandon: "I don't think there is anything for me to say that would forgive me for my actions. Just wanted to say I was thinking of you. Don't even reply, hope you're okay."
I didn't know what to say. What to do. I was freaking out. I was a emotional mess.
As I was doing my treadmill walking therapy, I typed out a fairly long response.
Me: "You're right. There is nothing you can say. And yes, I am choosing to reply, despite advice from friends and family. Never in my life have I opened up more to anyone, and frankly, never will I again. You took away more that just my ability to love. But also my ability to trust unconditionally. I have been priding myself on the fact that I haven't shed too many tears over you recently, but seeing your name in that box caused a waterfall, because even in spite of what happened, I still begrudingly love you. Brandon... you made me so weak. And I dislike you for that, because I could never truely hate you. Despite my best efforts."
Brandon: "I didn't know I hurt you that bad, I am completely sorry. I'm just going to leave you alone, I don't want to hurt you further."
Me: "You honestly didn't know how much damage you did?
Are you really that oblivious? Or just hopeful?
I want to say I'm over it. I really do.
It would have been better if you at least said something to me that day. Or at the very least called me and told me. I would have never wanted anything less than your happiness regardless of what it came to.
But I needed some sort of closure, and it did nothing but fester inside of me all these months. So I'll likely never be the same again.
I wanted to send you a message myself just to air everything out, but I could never bring myself to actually doing it.
I still listen to the CDs you made me, because I'm lame like that too.
Naturally, that didn't help out at all.
My heart is telling me to forgive you. But then, it's pretty bias when it comes to anything dealing with you.
Maybe I will be able to someday. I really hope I can.
But at the same time... I... don't want you to leave me alone now."
Brandon: "I really didn't know. I thought you would have just forgotten about me. I couldn't tell you, I just had to cut off the contact, it was too hard, so confusing. I'm not looking for forgiveness, everybody knows I don't deserve it. I know I don't deserve it. I am really hating myself for just learning what I caused now, I feel so bad, like the biggest douche in the world. I don't know what else to say..."
Me: "I could never forget about you.
And I don't need you to say anything else.
You really impacted my life, Brandon.
I just want you to know that much.
Feel free to contact me at anytime.
Because I do miss you, even now."
Brandon: "I miss you too. I just don't understand how you could still feel that way after all that I caused. I will stay in contact with you, if that's what you want. I will tell you this though, I'm not happy. But that's a story I will save for another time."
Me: "I'm weird. Remember?
I can't explain why I feel the way I do.
I just do."
Brandon: "Believe me, I do."
Me: "I am sorry that you aren't happy, though.
I still think you deserve that much."
Brandon: "I don't think I do. I was reading some of your posts, even older ones. Are they about me?"
Me: "If they were sad or depressing, then yes."
Brandon: "I thought so..."
Me: "Yah. I suppose they weren't particularly well camouflaged.
Most people just think I'm miserable from the get-go."
Brandon: "I'm really sorry..."
Me: "Just stop apologizing, okay?
As of now, they're just words.
I don't need to be placated anymore.
I'm just glad you messaged me."
Brandon: "Try and stay positive. I will talk to you later."
Me: "I'll do my best."
